ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Beauty and the Beast
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.