Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.