Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
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Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.