[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
The smoothest fall of all time
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.