I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties