Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I’m giving up for Lent.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10