having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
when there are deer in the woods
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Trying
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
181.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?