just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
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My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops