He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
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when the buffet is more honest than your date
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?