in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
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Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around