ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
The point of your 20s
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right