The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them