If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.