*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?