Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
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Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
no
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT