Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
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My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Damn what did I do next
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
FRED: right
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus