at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
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*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Expect the unexporcupine.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem