To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
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“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.