After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.