Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
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What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
What if all the cashiers are married?
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!