[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
This made me smile…
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting