*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
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Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed