Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
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It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.