[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.