wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
#winning
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.