TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.