You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
You Might Also Like
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
fourth time’s the charm