I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave