Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Um … Hot Wings please
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.