I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.