ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
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Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.