The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
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When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.