First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
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“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.