I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
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My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten