My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
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Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
That de-escalated quickly
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I think I’m having a stroke
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.