“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
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We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?