Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.