LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The fall of Netflix
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.