My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.