30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
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Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Love this guy
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.