Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
The game has officially changed 😎
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.