I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.