When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
You Might Also Like
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”