Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”