I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
mathematically impossible
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
real
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library