HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Put a ring on it
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.