My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
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Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”