Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
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[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them