I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥