#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.